Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Confession of an empty soul

Assalamualaikum and hi people of the internet!

After a veryyyy long hiatus, finally I have decided to blog once again, yeay for me! There are so much things to tell, I just don't know where to start. Perhaps I should start with what am I doing with my life and time right now. Currently, I am doing nothing productive, and I am pretty ashamed of it really. I kept on wondering what have I done wrong that makes me feel so under the weather all the time, then I realize that the depression (mild depression ) occur simply because I refuse to do anything for the time being a.k.a. lazying around rolling in my bed. To my defend, well, I've been through some hectic situation these past few months with assignments, datelines, dissertation and exams, and after all the craziness,  I though that hey, why don't  I reward my self with a few weeks of pure laziness and procrastination, I sleep very late at night,  I spend my a lot of my time watching Korean movies (movies because  I can't really bear Korean drama as it is too long-winded and redundant), I listen to songs that would just make me berangan-angan llike a superstar,  I stuffed myself with unhealthy junk food, avoid reading the Quran and even sembahyang di akhir waktu all the time. I am indeed ashamed of these things that  I am doing right now, but I figure that  I need to let it out now,  I can't keep on running away from it  and denying the fact that this pure laziness has taken its toll on me, however, on the positive note, it makes me realize that I really need the craziness after all, I need hectic schedules full with activities that would fulfill my hungry soul with productivity and positivity. I realize that I can't go on like this, pure laziness is bad and it makes me bitter, bad for me a least, it is not rewarding at all,  I learn that I was wrong to think that doing nothing is a bliss. BAD DECISION MIRA, BAD DECISION.  

Having written all of this confession of an empty soul, I am pretty reluctant to post it on my blog. Although, even if tak ramai readers pun kan, having the thought of sharing the darker side of me, makes me feel insecure, I have the tendency of wanting every one to think that hey, this girl is perfectly fine, she knows exactly what she is doing. For the time being, not really.

Having written all this, I realize that compared to other people's suffering and their own version of regrets and dark sides, mine probably will only make them laugh guling-guling. But as they say, "everyone has their own battle to fight". Iklan sekejap, upon googling this phrase I came across a very interesting post on how to deal with people who are fighting their battle in life, check it out here.

Coming back to the phrase once again, so yeah... everyone in this world is a fighter it seems. As for me, I am fighting against my addiction to hedonistic materials that will just bring more harm than good to myself.

Having the guts to write all this, you might think that I might have finally sort it all out and live happily ever after. YOU ARE WRONG. I still berada di awang- awangan, and still figuring things out for the time being. Luckily I came across this awesome ................... I don't know how to term it... picture? jpeg? poster? which has inspired me to write this blog post.

Just so you know, I am currently berjinak-jinak semula books, my long lost obsession and hobby, I have been burying it for so long under piles and piles of misdirected obsessions. I am taking baby steps towards improving myself, I might dwell once again in the dark side every now and then,so this blog post play its part as a reminder for me, and hopefully it will inspire and benefit you guys too. I guess everyone has shameful things that they want to hide from the public eyes (my close friends know these things about me by the way, so they are excluded as the public ..lol), I don't know if it is a wise decision to share it publicly, but at the moment, I feel so happy that I have finally get it off my chest and finally have the courage to attempt to make some changes.

 I don't really expect people will read this long post by the way, if you manage to read this until the end, congratulation to you for surviving! and please feel free to share you thoughts, experience or even your struggles, I don't really mind it. =)


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